Parents: be aware. What you do, how you react, the manner in which you nurture your young will come back to haunt you. In your golden years, your silver-haired dotage, your daughter will recall events of a half-century past and in her mature but adolescent mind resent the manner in which you felt entitled as a mother to provide her with life lessons.

This is a modern day and age we live in now. Messages can be swiftly conveyed through electronic messaging. And one day you may open your email and find such a lengthy, detailed and condemnatory message awaiting your pained scrutiny. Do not, when your children behave in a manner you think is injurious to their future character, react in haste may be the takeaway message here.

For the result, as laggardly as it is in arriving, may be immensely shocking to your sensibilities and your own memory which may not quite accord with that of your offspring, but the presentation is one perception, a damagingly lingering one that you will, at this juncture, be unable to restore to any kind of ameliorative perspective.

Below, one such message that might arrive one dark night:

When I was young you taught me certain things and those ‘things’ formed the basis for who I am. All of those things are very precious to me as they are the foundation blocks for the person in myself that I do respect – however I learned those things because I was strong and not because they were taught to me as they should have been – with logic and intelligent control rather than as they were taught, with exasperation and unreasoning anger.

 

As parents we lead by example whether we intend to or not. You told me when I was young I had better learn to say sorry and mean it, you told me I had to learn how to accept constructive criticism – I have done all of that. It was never enough. You taught me that I had to be responsible, admit when I was wrong, I had to be self-aware and self-disciplined. That I should not be lazy or close-minded. I have done all that. I have worked so damn hard my entire life, on myself as a human being and as well to make a living and support and nurture my daughter.

But I did not and still will not accept criticism that lacks logic and is un-founded. I would not assign respect to those who had not earned and that is something I still will not do.

I did everything you REALLY told me to do – except for respecting those who had not earned my respect.

Two Brothers and a Sister:

1. Two brothers, one in particular harass a sister:

a. The sister has finally had enough (as the parents fail to intercede and tell the boys to stop);

b. The sister (she is only 5 or 6 years of age) says to the boys – ‘you are Bug-hers’ (pronounced as buggers);

c. And the mother suddenly pays attention and ‘says you just swore, I am going to wash your mouth out with soap’

d. The daughter pleads ‘but mom I did not swear, they are bugging me – being rude and mean, putting me down, so they are BUG-HERS as I am a female’

e. And the mother does not listen and proceeds to wash the innocent girl’s mouth out with soap;

f. So the girl has an early lesson about her place in the world – her pleading means nothing, her logic means nothing, her brothers can say as they please – of a derogatory and belittling nature about the sister, and she must suck-it-up or she will be abused not only be the boys but as well by her mother.

g. Only a bully washes a child’s mouth out with soap. Only someone without the self-discipline to adopt logic and address a situation with real PERSPECTIVE.

h. THE LESSON LEARNED – the boys learn that they can torment the girl, that they can do no wrong, and the girl learns that she is thought of as bad, her real intent, her voice did not matter, she is of less worse than the boys.

2. The child gets horribly car sick when in the back of the car…

a. The older brother is assigned the privilege of riding in the front seat of the car;

b. The girl gets so sick – car rides are agony;

c. She pleads to sit in the front when she is starting to feel really sick;

d. She is told to ‘no’ and only when she throws-up is she ever allowed to then sit in the front.

e. THE LESSON LEARNED – the boy learns entitlement and arrogance, the girl learns that she is worth less than the boy, and that she will not be listened to no matter how politely and earnestly she pleads.

3. The girl is very good at playing the flute, but on a daily basis the brother puts her down, constantly making derisive comments;

a. The girl speaks to the mother and tries to explain how this is hurtful;

b. The mother dismisses it;

c. THE LESSON LEARNED – the boy learns entitlement and arrogance, the girl learns that she is worth less than the boy, and that she will not be listened to no matter how politely and earnestly she pleads. Eventually she is accused of being controlling, manipulating and of lecturing – because she does everything she can to try to be heard – but no one is listening.

4. The girl is a teenager now and is listening to the music of her generation, she has the volume turned down to a respectful level so as not to disturb others in the house – as the rest of the family only listens to classical music) the mother walks into the room;

a. The mother says to the daughter ‘What did we do wrong in bringing you up? What is wrong with you – why do you listen to that awful crap?

b. The girl responds – I like this music and I still listen like classical music too, why is it wrong to like both?

c. The woman looks at the daughter and says ‘we are disappointed in you, thank god your brother’s don’t listen to that crap’.

d. And she walks out.

e. THE LESSON LEARNED – the girl is once again seen as ‘bad’ yet she did nothing bad, and once again her brothers are ‘better’ than she is.

5. The girl tries to be ‘normal’ despite the fact that her values are different from most people’s she tries to make friends and hang-out with them – after all she is a teenager now;

a. She always tells her parents who she will be with, where she is going, when she will be back and even calls them on the phone from friends houses if she wants to stay a little longer than expected.

b. She hangs out with her friends in the park behind the house, evening – her parents know exactly where she is, and the daughter never comes home past 10:00, she is only yards away from the house;

i. Her parents know she does not do drugs or drink;

c. She is just being a normal well-adjusted kid;

i. She comes in at 10:00 only to hear from her parents – ‘what is wrong with you, why do you have to do that – your brother’s don’t they are happy to be with us’ What is wrong with you? We worry when you are out and don’t like it – we can’t relax’

d. The girl says but you know where I am, (just yards away from the house), you know I always come-in on time, you know I don’t do anything bad – I am doing nothing wrong’

e. And then the mother and father scream at the girl – we can’t relax! And so on and so forth.

f. Well the girl knew that it was not her fault – she did nothing wrong – in fact her parents should have been proud of her as she did not drink and do drugs as all the other kids did.

g. But what she heard instead was ‘Your brothers would never do this to us!

h. Do what to you, the girl thinks. She was 100 yards away from home and the parents did not have the self-discipline and PERSPECTIVE to just allow her to be NORMAL.

i. THE LESSON LEARNED – the girl is once again seen as ‘bad’ yet she did nothing bad, and once again her brothers are ‘better’ than she is. It does not matter if she is considerate (unlike other kids) and always keeps in-touch to let her parents know when, where, who what – she is still going to get yelled at and put down.